there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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