Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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