WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
