Please, let me fuck your mom
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
