So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride