Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
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You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
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Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂