Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
