I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
