just come out here and I will go home with you...
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
