so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
