Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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