My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
