Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
