I never want to see another naked old woman again.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
