he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
