Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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