"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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