census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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