Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
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She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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