Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Duck Duck Cougar?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
