My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
