i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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