I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
