I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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