mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
