Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
