Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.