I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
