I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
