Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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