i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
