ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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