I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
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