I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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