Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
