you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
