You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
