I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
