Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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