I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just made out with a guy for $7.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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