Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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