He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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