I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
