Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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