***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
