Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
