I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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