Having a random hookup so left but love u
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
