I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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