why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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