He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
