Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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