At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
