you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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