All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
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