My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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