It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Randomize
