She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
