I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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